Divorce and Remarriage in Families

If there's one thing that I have learned this semester it is that FAMILY SYSTEMS ARE COMPLEX. 

Blended, remarried, divorced, step, and reconstituted families were the topic of discussion this week. What are the challenges that come with these familial situations? Can these challenges be overcome? 

In some situations, divorce is absolutely necessary. However, there are still challenges that come with a decision like this. Most divorces occur between years two and five of marriage. What is also happening in these years? You got it! Children. Children can be a huge strain on a marriage if the couple has not properly prepared for such a  drastic change. What can happen sometimes, is that children will feel guilt in a divorce situation. They are likely to feel as if the divorce is their fault and that they are not good enough. These feelings can last into adulthood. It is important to make a child feel that they are still loved when they are going through something like this. 

After a divorce, often times parents will remarry. Relationships are funny things, especially within families. And even more so in a family situation where two families have made the decision to blend together. Children are going to have twice the amount of relationships and maybe some confusion as to where their loyalty belongs within those relationships. The family system that they were used to is now all jumbled and new people have been added into the mix. How much of a relationship should they form with their step parents? What role should the step parents have in their lives? Are both biological parents actively involved in their lives? Have they formed stronger relationships with grandparents and other extended family members throughout the process? Are they adjusting well to having new siblings? There are so many confusing questions that come with these situations. 

Are these challenges insurmountable? No. They can be overcome through proper communication and work. Relationships are not simple things. They require time, commitment, and so much compromise. No family is perfect. They all require work. Blended families may require a little more work, but there is still value in them. There is value in ALL families. 

Parenting

Parenting is one of the most difficult, and simultaneously one of the most rewarding jobs out there. But what exactly is the purpose of parenting? I'm sure you could come up with almost infinite answers to this question. There is one purpose that covers just about all of the bases that I would like to discuss.

"The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare our children to survive and thrive in the kind of society in which they live."

There are five main things that all human beings need in order to "survive and thrive" in the world. These include contact and belonging, power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge.

When one of these needs is not properly met, a person is likely to develop detrimental habits and behaviors. "You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need won't satisfy you." These behaviors will not compensate for the missing need because they are not what the person needs.

In order to help meet these needs in our children, there are some things that we can do.


The first need is contact and belonging. A child who does not have this need met will likely develop undue attention seeking. We are social creatures. We need to have contact with others and we need to feel like we belong. If we can't get contact naturally, we will find it in other, sometimes negative ways. So what can parents do to meet this need in their children? Parents should offer contact freely and they should teach their children to contribute. My niece, Ellie, absolutely loves to contribute. Because her mom allowed her to do things like helping her unload the dishwasher, Ellie has developed a healthy sense of belonging.

Power. This is one of those words that is often given a negative connotation. When a child does not develop a healthy sense of power, they can develop some of the qualities that give this word its bad reputation. Control of others and rebellion are two of these things. Parents can combat this by providing children with choices and consequences. Without choices and consequences, children are not able to develop "response-ability" (the ability to respond to situations.) Power does not have to be a negative thing when developed correctly.

Protection is something that we all want to feel. When we don't feel that we have been sufficiently protected, revenge and aggression are possible outcomes. Children need to not only be protected, but taught to protect themselves. How can parents teach their children to protect themselves? Assertiveness and forgiveness. It is important to note the difference between assertiveness and aggression. Someone who is aggressive wants to "step on the toes" of others while someone who is assertive will take a step back in order to prevent their own "toes" from being stepped on. They are taking steps to make sure they are protected.

Withdrawal. Have you ever spent so much time on a task without taking a break that you became exhausted to a point that you never wanted to do anything ever again? This feeling is all too familiar as a college student. We need to be taught how to take reasonable breaks from work. Our bodies and brains need time to recover from exertion. When we don't develop the ability to take reasonable breaks, tasks can become this horrible thing in our minds and we may start to avoid things that shouldn't be a big deal. Avoidance is not a healthy habit and, ironically, it should be avoided. Parents can help meet the withdrawal need in their children by working along side them and showing them by example what healthy breaks are and that work becomes a much simpler task when you allow yourself to rest periodically.

The last thing we all need is challenge. In order to continue to progress, we need to learn. We cannot learn without being challenged. When a person is not challenged sufficiently, they are likely to develop undue risk seeking. I'm sure we've all seen those videos on the internet of people doing stupid things that put their lives at risk. When we are not challenged in a healthy way, we will find that challenge in any way we can. As parents, we need to provide children with opportunities for skill development. There are many many things out there that are both safe and challenging that we can occupy our minds with.

I feel lucky to have had all of these needs sufficiently met as a child. My parents instilled many useful qualities in me. Because of the example that I was given, I am able to see the value and joy in parenting. And I see the "value in families."