Adjusting to Marriage? Isn't it easy?

It is not uncommon in our society for people to think that getting married will solve all of their problems. Social media is a place that people tend to want to share only the best parts of their lives and omit the negative. When young people are on social media, they are likely to be exposed to post after post of what look like perfect marriages. This can give people the illusion that marriage is the solution to combat unhappiness.

It is important for people to understand that with any change, there will be adjustments. Being married to someone is a big change. There are a lot of things that can be a stress on a relationship if there is a lack of communication. One of the ways that these adjustments can happen much more smoothly is if you communicate and PRACTICE certain habits during the engagement process. It is not enough to just talk about the habits that you want to have when you are married. You need to practice them so that it isn't a struggle by the time you are married. 

So, what are some of the things that might be a challenge in the start of marriage? I was able to think of quite a few things. The first being that you are now living with a new person. You are not entirely familiar with their living habits. Some things they do might bother the heck out of you. Maybe they aren't used to doing dishes. Maybe they leave their laundry on the floor. Maybe they are really crazy about their space being clean (or messy.) These are all things that are going to take time to adjust to. Another thing could be sharing a bed. My professor talked about this one specifically in class. Some people like to sleep cold, others prefer warmer sleeping conditions. Sharing finances and other resources might also be an adjustment. It's difficult sometimes to think that whatever possessions you have now belong not only to you, but your spouse. 

This next adjustment needed its own paragraph because it needs a little more detail. Children. Now I know that this post was mostly talking about early marriage, but it is common for couples to start having children in the early part of their marriages. This is perhaps the biggest adjustment for families.

Most divorces happen between the first and second child. My guess is that this is largely due to lack of communication with such a big change. With children, the wife's responsibilities go up significantly. Most of her attention is going into nurturing a child now. Husbands can often feel that they are not as important as the child. The husband is also more likely to feel like there are more arguments in the relationship at this point. This is because he is probably being corrected more than he has in his life. The wife knows best how to care for the child and she is going to be correcting him in order to help him learn how to care for a baby. In reality, couples are typically agreeing on more things at this stage, it just seems like.the opposite to the husband. The best way to accomplish this adjustment successfully is to communicate with each other. It is important for the mother to include the father in all the best parts of the pregnancy so that he can form a bond with the child. It is important to continue to find time to spend together. Share the responsibilities of raising the baby rather than just letting mom do all of the hard work. Child rearing is one of the most beautiful parts of a marriage.

Marriage isn't easy. In fact, it may be one of the biggest challenges in this life. It is also one of the most rewarding. I am not married, but I have some excellent examples in my life and I am pursuing an education that will help me significantly in that aspect of my life. There is value in marriage. There is value in working through challenges together. And there is value in families. 

Dating

In class this week, my professor defined dating as doing a variety of activities with a variety of people. Upon hearing this definition, I realized that this isn't really the definition that our society regularly uses. The term "dating" is used quite loosely and often the person using the term has to explain whether they mean "going on dates with" or "exclusively dating" someone. The term has become muddled and confusing.

One of the things that we talked about that I think it might be important to discuss are the steps of how dating should go:
1. Dating
2. Courtship
3.Engagement
4. Marriage

When it comes to dating, we have developed a culture of "date 'em till ya hate 'em." (those are the exact words that Brother Williams used, and I thought it was funny) Young people seem to be less content with dating a variety of people and seem to want to attach to someone immediately until they cannot stand that person anymore. A cool visual that we talked about is tape. The more times you stick and unstick a piece of tape to something, the less sticky it becomes. This can happen with dating too. If we are constantly becoming exclusive with different people, we will be less likely to be able to "stick" to someone permanently. We are moving too quickly from dating into courtship.

When we discussed courtship, we talked about the base of the word. "court." In court, there are trials. Courtship should be "a trial of us." It is an opportunity for us to see if this is a person that we could spend our lives with.

The next step I found to be incredibly interesting. Engagement has changed so much over the years and in our culture, the whole process is quite frankly backwards. I can't even count the number of engaged couples that I have talked to who have had their wedding date planned before they were even engaged. Couples are picking out rings and have their entire foreseeable future planned out before there has even been a proposal. The surprise is taken out of the equation entirely. Although this isn't necessarily a huge deal, but I do feel as if it makes the commitment less special. Another thing that someone brought up in class is how it is not emphasized as much for the man to ask the woman's father for permission anymore. To me, this is kind of sad. That is something that I have always wanted. I think it shows a level of respect to both the woman and her family that is necessary.

Because the lesson was mostly focused on the process of getting to marriage, we didn't spend hardly any time talking about marriage. However, I think that it is important to understand that dating is an opportunity to prepare for marriage. A specific example that we discussed is the 3 P's of dating. A date should be planned, paired-off, and paid for. These things almost directly reflect the responsibility of a father in a family. The Father's job is to preside, provide, and protect. The 3 P's of dating directly help prepare a man for his responsibilities as a father. If we looked hard enough we would realize that almost every opportunity in dating is a chance to learn something.

This was a difficult topic for me to think about being a young single adult at BYU-I. It's funny because it seems that the more you think about it, the scarier it seems. For me, anyway. But I know that there is value in dating and preparing to have a family.

Gender Roles

I would like to preface this post by stating that this week's discussions were really difficult for me. Not because I have an issue with the material itself, but because I feel as if I am unqualified to relay that information back to you because these are such sensitive topics in the current state of our world.

The material that was discussed in class this week covered topics such as gender, same-sex attraction, and transgenderism. I am going to focus on gender roles for this post.

On Tuesday, we started off class discussing a question that my professor had written on the board. "We badly need to raise our sons more like our daughters." -Gloria Steinem. Is this statement true? I don't agree with it.

Men and Women are different. We have differences from the time we are tiny. It seems to me as if people have become afraid of these differences. People are so concerned with it that they have changed the way that the world thinks about gender roles. We have become encompased with equality to such an extent that we have lost the understanding of the difference between being equal and identical. The two definitions have morphed into the current social definition of what it means to be equal. In order to avoid this confusion, we need to understand gender differences.

We are not meant to be identical. Men have specific qualities. Women have specific qualities. These characteristics are supposed to be complimentary to each other. Together, men and women form a more complete entity than either could achieve on their own. This is because of those differences that we have become afraid of. We need to understand that we can be equal in value without being identical in qualities. Women and men must not lose their individual traits. Otherwise, families could suffer.

On the other side of this would be people who think that the different qualities in men and women cannot overlap. This kind of thinking can be dangerous. Men are often mocked for having "feminine" qualities. I think the misconception here is that people believe there is a harsh line that defines feminine and masculine. This could not be farther from the truth. It can be helpful for women to have "masculine" qualities and for men to have "feminine" qualities. These situations can help a marriage and a family to thrive. My professor illustrated this by asking the women if the class if they would like to have a husband who communicates, who can express his emotions, and who is nurturing. The vast majority of us said yes. He then asked the men in the class if they would appreciate a wife who is outgoing, and strong. The same thing happened. Our qualities will often overlap. AND THAT IS OK.

This topic is such a big deal in our society that it makes me fearful to even talk about. But I think that it is up to us to make sure that these roles do not disappear. Children need a father and a mother who are different. Having different kinds of support is vital to a successful family. There is value in your role as a man or a woman. There is value in families.

What Socioeconomic Class is Ideal for Raising Children?

This week in class, one of the discussions that we had was centered around socioeconomic classes. My professor posed a question that I have been thinking about all week. What social class do you want to raise your children in?

Now, my first thought came pretty clearly that I don't want to be in the lower class. I want to be in a position where I can provide everything that my children need. I want them to be able to have experiences that they wouldn't be able to have if they were considered "lower class." I don't want them to be concerned about the financial welfare of our family, as that is not something that children should have to think about at a young age.  However, I realized that it goes much deeper than this.

Socioeconomic class is this thing that has kept people separated forever. There are negative stereotypes about all of the different classes and often, people experience insecurities because of the divisiveness that accompanies these classes. As I thought about it though, I realized that I know incredible people who come from all of these classes. So, as I was contemplating where I want my own family to fall, I realized that it isn't all that important as long as my own children understand the concept of hard work. As long as they know that they can become anything they aspire to be. And as long as I have taught them to love everyone around them without judgment.

It is possible to belong to any of these classes and be lazy. It is also possible to belong to any of these classes and be hard working and successful. So I think our focus should be on teaching our families correct principles rather than worrying about social status because in the end, I think it's really nothing more than a reputation.

I also feel impressed to share how important I believe it is to be kind and supportive to ALL of our fellow men, regardless of their title. Let's break the stigmas and come together to help one another achieve goals. Let's avoid judgment and recognize that there is "value in (all) families."

Family Systems

Unfortunately this last week, I was incredibly ill and missed the class discussion that we had on Tuesday. However, I was able to ask a fellow classmate about the class discussion and turn that into a new discussion with one of my roommates that was exceptionally uplifting

So. What are family systems? Family systems can be defined as the relationships that people have and the interactions they have with other parts of the family. To illustrate this, I will use my own family as an example. The first system in my family is the relationship between my mother and father. Both my father and my mother share a separate bond with me, which creates two more systems. I also am blessed to have three siblings. They all have separate relationships with both my mom and my dad, and we all have separate relationships with each other. In a family as large as mine, there are quite a few systems. In a family with only one child, the number is much smaller.

These family systems can be quite complex as issues within one system can cause complications for the entire family. An example of this that I find quite common is the bond with mother and child. Children often times will form a much stronger bond with their mother because she is the one that is always there. This can make the bond between father and child much weaker, as dad is usually the one who spends less time within the home. This weak bond is something that should be avoided if possible and I personally think that the best way to do this is by strengthening the bond between the mother and father directly to set an example for the child. A personal example of problems in one system effecting the family as a whole is the bond that I share with my little brother. For much of my teenage years, I really struggled to get along with my little brother. This not only caused constant pressures on our relationship with each other, but also our relationships with our parents. My mom was often upset with us because of our constant bickering, and I think that often times, it caused tension between my parents because they were both looking for ways to help solve the problems. I don't think I really understood these connections until I studied family systems this week. 

Something that I felt impressed to note is the fact that these systems and relationships can, and often times will, change over time. The biggest example of this from my own life is my relationships with my mother. To help you picture the situation, it is important to understand that my mother and I are very similar people in the  things that we struggle with. We both have spent a good portion of our lives battling crippling anxiety. Our relationship was strained for most of my teenage years because the way we chose to deal with the anxiety was incredibly different. This is not to say that we didn't love and care for each other. In fact, it's quite the opposite. We cared for each other so much that it was more than a little bit difficult to watch each other struggle and not know how to help one another. However, as I have become an adult and moved on to college, our relationship has become significantly improved. Time, and age has effected the relationship that I share with my mom. The same thing has happened between my older sister and me. There is an 8 year age difference between  us. Growing up, we were quite different because I was so much younger. There is no doubt in my mind that I was the annoying little sister. We didn't have much to relate with each other. As I have  gotten older and have been able to talk to her and relate with more things, we have become much closer. The fact that relationships can change brings me a significant amount of home. Relationships are not doomed to be bad forever. People change. Families change. 

So, what can we do to strengthen these family systems? I would dare say the answer to this question is obvious. Spending time together can strengthen any relationship. When we spend time with people, we are much more able to understand their individual trials and where they might be coming from when they act a certain way. Expressing love becomes a much more simple task. Spending time as a family is crucial to forming successful family bonds. There is value in strong relationships. There is "value in families."