Educated Mothers

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope your holiday was wonderful and that you were able to spend it with the most important people in your life. It's not often that I get to see my family these days, so I am thankful for holidays that make it possible for me to see them.

I have noticed as of late that mothers get a lot of flack from society for choosing to stay home and raise their children. For some reason, it is widely believed that women who opt to be a full time mother are not as educated as those who pursue a full time career. This is simply not true.

So. What exactly is the definition of education? Society seems to universally use the term "education" to mean a formal education. This would imply that those who don't seek higher education, like a college degree, are not as educated. I think this is where the misconception comes from. Although one of the definitions of education would include learning from school, there are other definitions. One that I personally liked is "an enlightening experience." Such experiences can come from anywhere.

My mother did not graduate from college. Do I think that she is uneducated? Not even close. My mother has taught me more skills than any of my 15 years of schooling have. To be completely honest, I still call her for information on a myriad of problems that I face on a daily basis. for example, I am so completely terrified of contracting salmonella that I call my mom every single time that I prepare chicken.

Even though my mom did not graduate from college, she did teach me the importance of a formal education. She has been my motivation from day one of college. However, she also taught me that the most important work I will ever do will be within the walls of my own home with my own children. My family will always come first, before any career that I might qualify for.

Being a mother does not have monetary value attached and because of this, it is not as simple to see the value in motherhood. Everything is about money in our day. So you have a career and money. . . now what? On your deathbed, you are not going to be concerned with how much money you have. You may, however, regret not forming closer relationships with those you love.

Family work is so important. Being a full time mother might be the most important "career" that any of us women will have in this life. Let's try not to be so caught up in money and careers that we lose sight of the face that there is "value in families."

Communication

"You can never NOT communicate." -Brother Williams

Communication is such an important aspect of the relationships that we form. People often attribute communication (or lack thereof) as a reason for stress within relationships. It is a complicated thing and I am unsure if I can even articulate what I have learned in a way that would help someone to understand how they can communicate better. But I sure am going to try.

There are three main types of communication that we discussed in class. words, tone, and non-verbal. Everyone communicates in different ways. For some people, tone means nothing and they trust words completely. Some people really understand communication through tone and non-verbal actions better. Because of these differences, it can be difficult to get a message across the way that we intend it to be taken.

The process of getting a message across to someone takes a few steps. It starts by forming a thought, feeling, or idea in your mind. You then have to encode that message the way that you think it will be received best. The message then has to go through a medium to the intended recipient. After they receive the message, their job is to decode it into what they think you are trying to say. They then form their own thought, feeling, or idea. There are quite a few places in this process that a message can become distorted. We should take extra consideration to try to communicate in a way that people

"Actions speak louder than words." This phrase is quite commonly used. I am guilty of saying it, but not truly understanding it. Most of the communication that we use is considered non-verbal. Sometimes we communicate something even unintentionally through our use of body language. We cannot expect that someone will believe our words if our actions are contrary to them. Are we taking special care to ensure that our actions are aligned with our words? If not, something needs to change.

Technology is something that we are blessed to have access to. But, is this tool hindering good communication? Text messaging eliminates two of the 3 forms of communication. We are only able to use words. This forces the recipient to assume a tone and they have no way of using body language to help. So in a way, it is somewhat hindering effective communication (if we allow it to.)

Communication is a much more complicated thing that what I was able to express in this short post, but there is value in it. There is value in developing good skills to help us communicate with our families in a way that will help us grow closer together.

The Family Under Stress

If there is one thing that I learned from this unit, it is that FAMILY STRUCTURE IS EVERYTHING if you want a successful family.

This week, we discussed stress in the family. I want to start by mentioning what some of the biggest stressors for family might be. Things like infidelity, death of a family member (specifically a parent), and chronic illness (again, specifically with a parent.) What do all of these things have in common that might make them so difficult for a family to cope with? You got it. They all mess with the family structure.

Family structure should look something like a big dotted circle. Within that circle are all the family members. Around the husband and wife, there should be another dotted circle. This shows that the relationship between the husband and the wife should be the strongest relationship within the family unit. When one of these big stressors occurs, it can rearrange these  relationships. Let's use chronic illness as an example. If one parent is struggling, that places much more responsibility on the healthy parent. They might even feel a little resentful. Relationships with the healthy parent and the children are likely to become stronger. The sick parent is almost excluded from the family diagram because of their inability to be a contributing part of strong relationships.

Now, it is important to understand that there are things that families can to do restore the family structure and bounce back from these trials successfully. They are not doomed to a horrible family life because they go through struggles. What a sad life that would be.

What are the hallmarks of families that deal with stress well? We discussed a few of these things in class. These families are likely to have strong relationships. They probably have excellent communication BEFORE a crisis occurs. They spend time together. They are reliable. They are willing to serve. And the last one (and the one that I personally found to be the most vital) is a strong relationship between mother and father. If the parents are united, they are able to help the family more effectively through difficult events.

We have individual trials to help us become stronger as a person. We go through family trials to help us grow closer together as a family. Although it might not seem like it at the time, there is value in trials. And there is value in families.

Sexual Intimacy Within Marriage

This week in class, we discussed sexual intimacy. To be completely honest, it took a lot of effort to have the maturity that it required to actually learn from the discussions. And although it was still uncomfortable, I was able to learn some things. 

The first thing that we talked about is the fact that men's and women's bodies are different. This means that sex works differently for men and women and as a result, intimacy can sometimes be a challenge if couples are not consciously trying to make sure that their partner is also having a good experience. Women tend to want to feel safe and close and warm before they are willing to be intimate. Men tend to want to be intimate in order to feel safe and close and warm. You can imagine that this would create some sort of conflict. It is not uncommon for a woman to be upset because it seems like her husband only wants sex and for a man to be upset because it seems like his wife never wants sex. 

These differences may pose challenges to the relationship such as frustration, resentment, and misunderstanding. However, we should recognize that these challenges present opportunities. Couples can learn to be attentive to each other. They are able to appreciate and understand each other better. And they are able to learn much more about each other than they would without this marital intimacy. 

The next thing we talked about is boundaries in marriage. When two people get married, they should be forming a boundary around the relationship. They should be closer to each other than to anyone else. This doesn't always happen the way it's supposed to. For example, sometimes a wife will continue to be closest to her parents, and this prevents her marriage from being as strong as it could be. 

Although we need there to be a boundary around the relationship, it is important that this boundary is more like a picket fence than a cinder block. Picket fences make it so that you can communicate with your neighbors, but the boundary is still clear. We do not want to shut others out completely, we just want them to understand our priorities. 

The last thing that we discussed that I felt impressed to talk about is who we should talk to about challenges in marriage. It is common for people to seek emotional support when they are struggling, but sometimes going to friends and family members is unwarranted and can cause more challenges in the marriage. For example (and this is a worst case scenario example) let's say that a wife has had sexual relations with someone outside of her marriage, but the couple has decided that they want to work it out. If the husband goes to family or friends, they have a bias toward him. They are going to form opinions about the wife. This is going to become another stress in the marriage. It is important that couples keep their struggles within their marriage and if it is absolutely necessary to seek help, they should seek it from a professional.

Intimacy in marriage is one of the biggest and most important bonding experiences for a couple. There is value in learning and growing together as a couple and there is value in forming families through this amazing gift that our Heavenly Father has given us.