Divorce and Remarriage in Families

If there's one thing that I have learned this semester it is that FAMILY SYSTEMS ARE COMPLEX. 

Blended, remarried, divorced, step, and reconstituted families were the topic of discussion this week. What are the challenges that come with these familial situations? Can these challenges be overcome? 

In some situations, divorce is absolutely necessary. However, there are still challenges that come with a decision like this. Most divorces occur between years two and five of marriage. What is also happening in these years? You got it! Children. Children can be a huge strain on a marriage if the couple has not properly prepared for such a  drastic change. What can happen sometimes, is that children will feel guilt in a divorce situation. They are likely to feel as if the divorce is their fault and that they are not good enough. These feelings can last into adulthood. It is important to make a child feel that they are still loved when they are going through something like this. 

After a divorce, often times parents will remarry. Relationships are funny things, especially within families. And even more so in a family situation where two families have made the decision to blend together. Children are going to have twice the amount of relationships and maybe some confusion as to where their loyalty belongs within those relationships. The family system that they were used to is now all jumbled and new people have been added into the mix. How much of a relationship should they form with their step parents? What role should the step parents have in their lives? Are both biological parents actively involved in their lives? Have they formed stronger relationships with grandparents and other extended family members throughout the process? Are they adjusting well to having new siblings? There are so many confusing questions that come with these situations. 

Are these challenges insurmountable? No. They can be overcome through proper communication and work. Relationships are not simple things. They require time, commitment, and so much compromise. No family is perfect. They all require work. Blended families may require a little more work, but there is still value in them. There is value in ALL families. 

Parenting

Parenting is one of the most difficult, and simultaneously one of the most rewarding jobs out there. But what exactly is the purpose of parenting? I'm sure you could come up with almost infinite answers to this question. There is one purpose that covers just about all of the bases that I would like to discuss.

"The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare our children to survive and thrive in the kind of society in which they live."

There are five main things that all human beings need in order to "survive and thrive" in the world. These include contact and belonging, power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge.

When one of these needs is not properly met, a person is likely to develop detrimental habits and behaviors. "You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need won't satisfy you." These behaviors will not compensate for the missing need because they are not what the person needs.

In order to help meet these needs in our children, there are some things that we can do.


The first need is contact and belonging. A child who does not have this need met will likely develop undue attention seeking. We are social creatures. We need to have contact with others and we need to feel like we belong. If we can't get contact naturally, we will find it in other, sometimes negative ways. So what can parents do to meet this need in their children? Parents should offer contact freely and they should teach their children to contribute. My niece, Ellie, absolutely loves to contribute. Because her mom allowed her to do things like helping her unload the dishwasher, Ellie has developed a healthy sense of belonging.

Power. This is one of those words that is often given a negative connotation. When a child does not develop a healthy sense of power, they can develop some of the qualities that give this word its bad reputation. Control of others and rebellion are two of these things. Parents can combat this by providing children with choices and consequences. Without choices and consequences, children are not able to develop "response-ability" (the ability to respond to situations.) Power does not have to be a negative thing when developed correctly.

Protection is something that we all want to feel. When we don't feel that we have been sufficiently protected, revenge and aggression are possible outcomes. Children need to not only be protected, but taught to protect themselves. How can parents teach their children to protect themselves? Assertiveness and forgiveness. It is important to note the difference between assertiveness and aggression. Someone who is aggressive wants to "step on the toes" of others while someone who is assertive will take a step back in order to prevent their own "toes" from being stepped on. They are taking steps to make sure they are protected.

Withdrawal. Have you ever spent so much time on a task without taking a break that you became exhausted to a point that you never wanted to do anything ever again? This feeling is all too familiar as a college student. We need to be taught how to take reasonable breaks from work. Our bodies and brains need time to recover from exertion. When we don't develop the ability to take reasonable breaks, tasks can become this horrible thing in our minds and we may start to avoid things that shouldn't be a big deal. Avoidance is not a healthy habit and, ironically, it should be avoided. Parents can help meet the withdrawal need in their children by working along side them and showing them by example what healthy breaks are and that work becomes a much simpler task when you allow yourself to rest periodically.

The last thing we all need is challenge. In order to continue to progress, we need to learn. We cannot learn without being challenged. When a person is not challenged sufficiently, they are likely to develop undue risk seeking. I'm sure we've all seen those videos on the internet of people doing stupid things that put their lives at risk. When we are not challenged in a healthy way, we will find that challenge in any way we can. As parents, we need to provide children with opportunities for skill development. There are many many things out there that are both safe and challenging that we can occupy our minds with.

I feel lucky to have had all of these needs sufficiently met as a child. My parents instilled many useful qualities in me. Because of the example that I was given, I am able to see the value and joy in parenting. And I see the "value in families."

Educated Mothers

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope your holiday was wonderful and that you were able to spend it with the most important people in your life. It's not often that I get to see my family these days, so I am thankful for holidays that make it possible for me to see them.

I have noticed as of late that mothers get a lot of flack from society for choosing to stay home and raise their children. For some reason, it is widely believed that women who opt to be a full time mother are not as educated as those who pursue a full time career. This is simply not true.

So. What exactly is the definition of education? Society seems to universally use the term "education" to mean a formal education. This would imply that those who don't seek higher education, like a college degree, are not as educated. I think this is where the misconception comes from. Although one of the definitions of education would include learning from school, there are other definitions. One that I personally liked is "an enlightening experience." Such experiences can come from anywhere.

My mother did not graduate from college. Do I think that she is uneducated? Not even close. My mother has taught me more skills than any of my 15 years of schooling have. To be completely honest, I still call her for information on a myriad of problems that I face on a daily basis. for example, I am so completely terrified of contracting salmonella that I call my mom every single time that I prepare chicken.

Even though my mom did not graduate from college, she did teach me the importance of a formal education. She has been my motivation from day one of college. However, she also taught me that the most important work I will ever do will be within the walls of my own home with my own children. My family will always come first, before any career that I might qualify for.

Being a mother does not have monetary value attached and because of this, it is not as simple to see the value in motherhood. Everything is about money in our day. So you have a career and money. . . now what? On your deathbed, you are not going to be concerned with how much money you have. You may, however, regret not forming closer relationships with those you love.

Family work is so important. Being a full time mother might be the most important "career" that any of us women will have in this life. Let's try not to be so caught up in money and careers that we lose sight of the face that there is "value in families."

Communication

"You can never NOT communicate." -Brother Williams

Communication is such an important aspect of the relationships that we form. People often attribute communication (or lack thereof) as a reason for stress within relationships. It is a complicated thing and I am unsure if I can even articulate what I have learned in a way that would help someone to understand how they can communicate better. But I sure am going to try.

There are three main types of communication that we discussed in class. words, tone, and non-verbal. Everyone communicates in different ways. For some people, tone means nothing and they trust words completely. Some people really understand communication through tone and non-verbal actions better. Because of these differences, it can be difficult to get a message across the way that we intend it to be taken.

The process of getting a message across to someone takes a few steps. It starts by forming a thought, feeling, or idea in your mind. You then have to encode that message the way that you think it will be received best. The message then has to go through a medium to the intended recipient. After they receive the message, their job is to decode it into what they think you are trying to say. They then form their own thought, feeling, or idea. There are quite a few places in this process that a message can become distorted. We should take extra consideration to try to communicate in a way that people

"Actions speak louder than words." This phrase is quite commonly used. I am guilty of saying it, but not truly understanding it. Most of the communication that we use is considered non-verbal. Sometimes we communicate something even unintentionally through our use of body language. We cannot expect that someone will believe our words if our actions are contrary to them. Are we taking special care to ensure that our actions are aligned with our words? If not, something needs to change.

Technology is something that we are blessed to have access to. But, is this tool hindering good communication? Text messaging eliminates two of the 3 forms of communication. We are only able to use words. This forces the recipient to assume a tone and they have no way of using body language to help. So in a way, it is somewhat hindering effective communication (if we allow it to.)

Communication is a much more complicated thing that what I was able to express in this short post, but there is value in it. There is value in developing good skills to help us communicate with our families in a way that will help us grow closer together.

The Family Under Stress

If there is one thing that I learned from this unit, it is that FAMILY STRUCTURE IS EVERYTHING if you want a successful family.

This week, we discussed stress in the family. I want to start by mentioning what some of the biggest stressors for family might be. Things like infidelity, death of a family member (specifically a parent), and chronic illness (again, specifically with a parent.) What do all of these things have in common that might make them so difficult for a family to cope with? You got it. They all mess with the family structure.

Family structure should look something like a big dotted circle. Within that circle are all the family members. Around the husband and wife, there should be another dotted circle. This shows that the relationship between the husband and the wife should be the strongest relationship within the family unit. When one of these big stressors occurs, it can rearrange these  relationships. Let's use chronic illness as an example. If one parent is struggling, that places much more responsibility on the healthy parent. They might even feel a little resentful. Relationships with the healthy parent and the children are likely to become stronger. The sick parent is almost excluded from the family diagram because of their inability to be a contributing part of strong relationships.

Now, it is important to understand that there are things that families can to do restore the family structure and bounce back from these trials successfully. They are not doomed to a horrible family life because they go through struggles. What a sad life that would be.

What are the hallmarks of families that deal with stress well? We discussed a few of these things in class. These families are likely to have strong relationships. They probably have excellent communication BEFORE a crisis occurs. They spend time together. They are reliable. They are willing to serve. And the last one (and the one that I personally found to be the most vital) is a strong relationship between mother and father. If the parents are united, they are able to help the family more effectively through difficult events.

We have individual trials to help us become stronger as a person. We go through family trials to help us grow closer together as a family. Although it might not seem like it at the time, there is value in trials. And there is value in families.

Sexual Intimacy Within Marriage

This week in class, we discussed sexual intimacy. To be completely honest, it took a lot of effort to have the maturity that it required to actually learn from the discussions. And although it was still uncomfortable, I was able to learn some things. 

The first thing that we talked about is the fact that men's and women's bodies are different. This means that sex works differently for men and women and as a result, intimacy can sometimes be a challenge if couples are not consciously trying to make sure that their partner is also having a good experience. Women tend to want to feel safe and close and warm before they are willing to be intimate. Men tend to want to be intimate in order to feel safe and close and warm. You can imagine that this would create some sort of conflict. It is not uncommon for a woman to be upset because it seems like her husband only wants sex and for a man to be upset because it seems like his wife never wants sex. 

These differences may pose challenges to the relationship such as frustration, resentment, and misunderstanding. However, we should recognize that these challenges present opportunities. Couples can learn to be attentive to each other. They are able to appreciate and understand each other better. And they are able to learn much more about each other than they would without this marital intimacy. 

The next thing we talked about is boundaries in marriage. When two people get married, they should be forming a boundary around the relationship. They should be closer to each other than to anyone else. This doesn't always happen the way it's supposed to. For example, sometimes a wife will continue to be closest to her parents, and this prevents her marriage from being as strong as it could be. 

Although we need there to be a boundary around the relationship, it is important that this boundary is more like a picket fence than a cinder block. Picket fences make it so that you can communicate with your neighbors, but the boundary is still clear. We do not want to shut others out completely, we just want them to understand our priorities. 

The last thing that we discussed that I felt impressed to talk about is who we should talk to about challenges in marriage. It is common for people to seek emotional support when they are struggling, but sometimes going to friends and family members is unwarranted and can cause more challenges in the marriage. For example (and this is a worst case scenario example) let's say that a wife has had sexual relations with someone outside of her marriage, but the couple has decided that they want to work it out. If the husband goes to family or friends, they have a bias toward him. They are going to form opinions about the wife. This is going to become another stress in the marriage. It is important that couples keep their struggles within their marriage and if it is absolutely necessary to seek help, they should seek it from a professional.

Intimacy in marriage is one of the biggest and most important bonding experiences for a couple. There is value in learning and growing together as a couple and there is value in forming families through this amazing gift that our Heavenly Father has given us. 

Adjusting to Marriage? Isn't it easy?

It is not uncommon in our society for people to think that getting married will solve all of their problems. Social media is a place that people tend to want to share only the best parts of their lives and omit the negative. When young people are on social media, they are likely to be exposed to post after post of what look like perfect marriages. This can give people the illusion that marriage is the solution to combat unhappiness.

It is important for people to understand that with any change, there will be adjustments. Being married to someone is a big change. There are a lot of things that can be a stress on a relationship if there is a lack of communication. One of the ways that these adjustments can happen much more smoothly is if you communicate and PRACTICE certain habits during the engagement process. It is not enough to just talk about the habits that you want to have when you are married. You need to practice them so that it isn't a struggle by the time you are married. 

So, what are some of the things that might be a challenge in the start of marriage? I was able to think of quite a few things. The first being that you are now living with a new person. You are not entirely familiar with their living habits. Some things they do might bother the heck out of you. Maybe they aren't used to doing dishes. Maybe they leave their laundry on the floor. Maybe they are really crazy about their space being clean (or messy.) These are all things that are going to take time to adjust to. Another thing could be sharing a bed. My professor talked about this one specifically in class. Some people like to sleep cold, others prefer warmer sleeping conditions. Sharing finances and other resources might also be an adjustment. It's difficult sometimes to think that whatever possessions you have now belong not only to you, but your spouse. 

This next adjustment needed its own paragraph because it needs a little more detail. Children. Now I know that this post was mostly talking about early marriage, but it is common for couples to start having children in the early part of their marriages. This is perhaps the biggest adjustment for families.

Most divorces happen between the first and second child. My guess is that this is largely due to lack of communication with such a big change. With children, the wife's responsibilities go up significantly. Most of her attention is going into nurturing a child now. Husbands can often feel that they are not as important as the child. The husband is also more likely to feel like there are more arguments in the relationship at this point. This is because he is probably being corrected more than he has in his life. The wife knows best how to care for the child and she is going to be correcting him in order to help him learn how to care for a baby. In reality, couples are typically agreeing on more things at this stage, it just seems like.the opposite to the husband. The best way to accomplish this adjustment successfully is to communicate with each other. It is important for the mother to include the father in all the best parts of the pregnancy so that he can form a bond with the child. It is important to continue to find time to spend together. Share the responsibilities of raising the baby rather than just letting mom do all of the hard work. Child rearing is one of the most beautiful parts of a marriage.

Marriage isn't easy. In fact, it may be one of the biggest challenges in this life. It is also one of the most rewarding. I am not married, but I have some excellent examples in my life and I am pursuing an education that will help me significantly in that aspect of my life. There is value in marriage. There is value in working through challenges together. And there is value in families.